


Bankrolled

by HorizonTheTransient



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Crack, Gallant Is Deliberately Obnoxious, Gen, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22623805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorizonTheTransient/pseuds/HorizonTheTransient
Summary: The Undersiders flub the bank job, and are arrested by the Wards. Gallant ends up with the first shift watching over them in their holding cells, and reveals that he's here to get revenge on Glory Girl's behalf.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 66





	Bankrolled

"This wasn't our idea, we were  _ paid _ to do this," Tattletale babbled as Gallant led her towards the open back of the PRT van. "Our boss, he's got moles in the PRT, he'll  _ kill us _ as soon as we get there, he can't afford for-"

Gallant pulled out a roll of duct tape, tearing off a strip and slapping it over Tattletale's mouth.

"God in  _ heaven _ do you like to hear yourself talk," he muttered. She was, unfortuhnately, telling the truth, so far as he could tell.

He cursed his moral compass, because now he felt obligated to protect the Undersiders from being killed; sure, they did federal crimes, seriously hurt several of his friends, and were also very obnoxious, but none of that meant they deserved to  _ die _ .

"I'll keep watch over 'em, make sure none of them try anything," Gallant said, climbing into the back of the van with the Undersiders. "My empathy sense can pierce Grue's darkness; if he tries something, I'm just about the only one who can stop him."

"If you say so..." one of the PRT troopers said.

* * *

"Gallant. I've been told you refuse to leave the Undersiders alone," Director Piggot said, entering the large room where the Undersiders had been locked in small, partitioned holding cells. "Care to explain  _ why? _ "

"Tattletale claims the Undersiders have a secretive benefactor, one with moles in the PRT," Gallant explained. "Furthermore, she claims that their benefactor would be more likely to assassinate them in jail, rather than springing them. Having read her emotional state, I'm inclined to believe her. And if this  _ is _ , somehow, a bluff..." Gallant shrugged. "The only thing being wasted is my time, and my performance reviews have led me to believe  _ that _ isn't a particularly valuable resource around here."

Director Piggot chewed on this for a moment, before sighing. "Well, Gallant. I suppose you win. I'll send someone to relieve you in four hours."

"Thank you, Director."

She turned and walked out, and once the door closed, Gallant returned his attention to the Undersiders.

"Now, before any of you start feeling  _ too _ grateful," Gallant began, "I'd like to let you know that Glory Girl is a good friend of mine, and has alerted me to what, precisely, happened inside the bank. And so, for the next four hours, I will be her instrument of vengeance."

"Oh no," Skitter whispered, as Gallant turned and opened up a large black steamer trunk by the door. He pulled out a folding stool, which he carefully set up near the front of the room, but out of the door's path, and then returned to the trunk, withdrawing an accordion. "Oh  _ no. _ "

"I've always wanted to learn the accordion," Gallant said. "Well. No time like the present, right?"

* * *

Gallant was still playing the accordion, half an hour later, and now, he was beginning to add in off-key singing to the mix. "Ejn, tswej, draj, fir, arbetlose senen mir-"

"I blame you for this," Grue said, staring at Tattletale, who was curled up into the fetal position, rocking back and forth slowly. "This is  _ your _ fucking fault."

" _ My _ fault?!"

"Yes, your fault! This bank robbery was  _ your _ idea, and I told you it was a  _ bad _ one!" Grue turned to face Gallant. "Hey, Tin Man, how come  _ I _ have to listen to this shit?! I didn't do anything wrong!"

"You did  _ several _ things wrong," Gallant said.

* * *

"-but you see, the Yuuzhan Vong-"

"Please," Tattletale pleaded, clutching at the bars of her cell door, "I will do  _ anything _ for you to shut up for  _ ten minutes _ ."

"Anything, you say?" Gallant asked.

" _ Anything! _ "

"Great," he said, pulling out his phone and starting to dial a number. "Apologize to my friend and her sister and convince us all that you mean it."

"...Anything  _ else _ ."

"So how do midichlorians factor into this?" Regent asked.

" _ You shut your filthy whore mouth you fucking traitor! _ " Tattletale screamed.

* * *

"Alright, Gallant, we got the A/V cart you requisitioned," Clockblocker said. "Where do you want it?"

"Ah, right over there is fine," Gallant said. "We're going to do Karaoke! Wanna join?"

"Iunno, I'm not much of a singer..."

"Even better!"

* * *

Clockblocker stood there, his mask pulled up to reveal his mouth, which he'd stuffed full of cookies, in preparation for his turn with the karaoke machine.

"DRRSNRT THRRRT SRRRND FRMRLRR, DRSNT-"

"Oh my god, it's like a geyser of crumbs," Gallant said quietly, barely restraining his giggling. "It's like a Mount Vesuvius of Chips Ahoy."

* * *

"WHEN A MAAAAAAAN LOVES A WOOOOMAAAAN..." Regent yowled into the microphone like a cat in heat.

"This is bullying," Skitter said quietly, curled up on her side. "I'm being bullied."

* * *

Armsmaster sat there, staring impassively at the Undersiders.

"Well, at least he's not as annoying as Gallant was," Grue said quietly.

"Let me tell you about my D&D character!" Armsmaster shouted suddenly, shooting to his feet. "He's from my favorite animes!"

"You just  _ had _ to jinx it," Tattletale said.

"NEEEEEEERD!" Regent heckled.

"He has a red trenchcoat, and a gun, but he only shoots the gun to hurt things!" Armsmaster continued. "His name is Sephiroth Goku the Stampede! See he used to be an angel, but then he was a devil, but he gave it all up because he fell in love with this girl, and she looked like an eight year old but she was really smart and in high school-"

* * *

"-AND THEN THE ROBOT TRANSFORMED INTO A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT ROBOT!" Armsmaster yelled. "AND THEN HE SHOT THE HEAD CEO BUFF VAMPIRE WIZARD WITH A LASER THAT CAME OUT OF HIS CHEST BECAUSE HE BELIEVES IN HIMSELF, AND IT WAS LIKE THE SUN BUT LIKE EIGHT THOUSAND TIMES WORSE, AND THEN HE WENT BACKWARDS INTO THE FORWARD TIMES AND THEN HE WENT FORWARDS INTO THE FUTURE TIME AND THEN HE WASN'T A VAMPIRE ANYMORE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS ALIVE AGAIN. And then they went on a picnic. The end."

Tattletale was curled up on the floor, sobbing quietly, hands cuffed behind her back after she'd tried to strangle herself.

"And then the talent agent said, that's a hell of a show you've got there, what do you call that act?" Miss Militia said, not looking up from her magazine.

"The Aristocrats!"

* * *

Late in the night, the door opened, and one of Coil's moles walked in, gun in hand.

"Oh thank god," Tattletale whispered, instantly awake. "Please. You have to kill me, before they get back."

"...beg pardon?"

"That's what you're here for, right?" Tattletale said, looking more than slightly manic. "To kill me? Do it, do it quickly."

"Uh..."

"DO IT! Pull the FUCKING trigger, you COWARD!"

"Listen, uh... I... gotta go... wrong door, sorry, bye."

"GET BACK HERE! KILL ME, GODDAMNIT!"


End file.
